We all go throughout life thinking we are invincible, that nothing in the world could hurt us, change us, or impact us.
Until, until that moment when something does.
And when that "something" does occur you ask yourself, and God... "WHY ME!!?" .
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March 4th, 2014
Marked Beckhams 4 month mark!
Which called for a visit to see our favorite pediatrician Dr. Adam! (and shots)
As a first time mother, you ask A LOT of questions.
like:
"how much should he be eating now that hes this age?"
"there is a rash on his face and shoulders, what could it be!?"
"hes crying, I've tried everything! what do I do!?"
and yes I've asked those plus thousands more.
However the question I kept finding myself asking was,
"when did your baby start making eye contact?"
We started to become concerned about Becks eyes when he hit 3 months, I then called Dr. Adam and explained to him that Beckham wasn't making eye contact as well as we had expected him to by 3 months. He assured me not to be to concerned until we brought him in for his next check up.
March 4th , I took Beckham in for his 4 month appointment.
As we waited for Dr. Adam to enter the room, with shaking legs and a knot in my stomach I said a quick prayer and hoped for the best.
Moments later, Dr Adam walked through the door and immediately asked if I had noticed if his eyes had improved since we had last spoken, I explained the progress I had seen and that he loves lights and bright colors.
Adam, proceeded to examine and explained to me that it was clear that Beckham could see but whether or not he could make out faces was unknown.
In that very moment, a wave of emotion came over me. With tears in my eyes, I looked at Adam with millions of questions in my head but unable to get any of them out.
The only thing I kept thinking was:
"my baby may or may not be able to see my face!?"
Statements like that as a parent just make your stomach turn and ache.
"Jessica, I'm scheduling Beckham an appointment with one of the top Pediatric ophthalmologists in Utah."
"Dr. Hoffman"
With a shaking voice: I replied, "okay, is there anything I can do until then?! Is this my fault?"
with a comforting hug Adam assured me that everything was going to be okay and whatever happens Clay and I, and especially Beckham would make it through.
"Friday will be your appointment date with Dr. Hoffman at Primary Childrens Hospital. Until then, don't hesitate to call me if needed."
Leaving that appointment my heart was pounding in my head, tears blurred my vision and the unknown was eating at my heart.
I called Clay on our way home and explained the news I had received in regards to Beckhams eyes and he came home immediately. I pulled into the driveway and Clay followed not to long after, We got out of our cars and embraced each other with fear and tears in our eyes.
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The days leading up to Beckhams appointment were a blur, it was two long days of assumptions and worry.
The night before Beckhams appointment with Dr. Hoffman, I remember laying in bed staring at the ceiling thinking to myself "Why my baby?! What could I have done differently?"
I slowly turned my attention to Clay who was laying face up towards the ceiling and wide eyes.. you could see the concern and fear in his eyes.
After fasting and prayer from family and friends, Friday soon approached.
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We pulled into the parking lot of Primary Childrens and made our way up to the 3rd floor.
Entering Dr. Hoffman's office will forever be one of the most humbling experiences I have yet to have in my life.
The first thing I saw was a 3 month old baby boy with glasses at least 2 inches thick, I then looked to my left and noticed an energetic little boy no older than 4 years old with eye deformations. As I looked at these boys and their parents, I noticed there permanent smiles as they watched there children interact and smile back at them.
Tears welled up in my eyes, as I looked down at Beckham and thought to myself,
"how could I ever ask, "why my baby?"
We were soon called back by one of Dr. Hoffman's assistance, who gave Beckham Eye drops to help dilate his eyes for further testing. She said it would be about 20 minuets before Dr. Hoffman could continue, and we could wait out in the hall to be called back.
20 Minuets felt like an hour.
after being called back into the exam room, Dr. Hoffman followed behind us.
he was quick and efficient during his time with us, as he checked the pigment in Beckhams eyes he continued to explain his diagnosis.
"Beckham, has what is called Albinism. Meaning the back of his eyes lack pigmentation. He also has what is called Nystagmus - involuntary back-and-forth movement of the eyes."
"I'm pretty confident in my diagnosis but I am going to send you over to for additional testing with Dr. Donnell Creel for VEP testing, You will see him Thursday the 13th, following that appointment depending on what the VEP testing reads will tell us what further actions need to be taken."
"support groups, and vision therapy classes are a possibility"
Following his diagnosis he continued to talk, his mouth was moving but all I could hear was my slow breathing and pounding heart.
Clay and I looked at each other with tears in our eyes as Dr. Hoffman continued to talk for what felt like forever.
The moments after being excused from the office felt like the world was going in slow motion.
Our hearts ached for Beckhams future and the struggles and trials he could face.
The Drive home and the days following Beckhams appointment were slow and silent, unable to know what his future had in store, unable to change the circumstances , and the fear of the news we would receive from the VEP testing.
All we could do was wait, and try our best to keep our minds off of the unknown possibilities of Beckhams Vision.
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The testing with Dr. Creel creped up on us quicker than I had expected.
As we entered the building I felt an extreme feeling of peace, I knew whatever the testing showed that no matter what the diagnosis was: Clay, myself and most importantly Beckham would be able to conquer.
We waited no longer than 10 min for before a short white haired man swung the door open and called out Beckhams name.
He introduced himself as Don Creel, followed by : "but just call me Don so I don't seem as old."
He sat Beckham and I in the center of the room and Clay off to the side. I handed him the result diagnosis Dr. Hoffman had given me the week prior, he looked at it and noticed it said albinism:
"I worked with two children this morning with albinism! One they thought was just albinism but turns out they are going to be ordering brail books! He'll never be able to see!"
Hands down the worst thing he could have said to us. I looked over at Clay with wide eyes... and the blood had drained out of his face. I thought we were going to both throw up from shock.
Before he proceeded he explained the process he would be taking for the VEP testing.
"I'll be placing one sensor on his ear and two in the back of his head to measure the brain waves. I will then Flash a light in each eye. I'll start with the left eye and the line on this screen will go up-down-up.. and when I flash it in the right eye, if its Albinism the second line on the screen will do the exact opposite down-up-down."
He knelt down and said: "This is the closest I get to church!... that and when someone sneezes and I say bless you!"
I couldn't help but laugh.
After hooking Becks up to the VEP scanner he proceed to flash the lights in his eyes. We watched the screen with fear.
The lines did exactly what he had expected.
"Well, that was easy!!"
he said.
He looked at Clay and I with a smile on his face,
"Beckham has Albinism. It's unsure what form he has, but the testing isn't even worth doing because your little boy is going to live a very normal life, the "worst" thing is that he may have to sit front row in school classes and passing the vision section of his drivers test may be impossible. However, his vision will continue to improve as he gets older, the Nystagmus will gradually get better, but never fade completely. His Vision will be blurred, and until he is able to tell you how much he sees the need for contacts or glasses will be unknown. Sunglasses are highly recommended to help prevent light sensitivity. His vision will never be perfect, it will be blurry but he will live a very normal life"
In that very moment, I felt like I could breath again. I felt the unconditional love God has for Beckham, and the countless prayers that had been answered.
Going through this experience: Tested my faith, patients, and all around strength I have as a wife, and mother.
As I stated above, I asked myself
"Why me?, Why my baby?", "I have been through enough! Why cant I catch a "break"!?"
The truth is, I knew the answer to all of those questions the entire time.
It was me, it was our baby, it was our experience
WHY?
.. Because we had gone through hard experiences and come out on top stronger than ever.
God new our strengths and our weaknesses, and he knew that what Beckham needed to get him through this trial was Clay and I as his parents. He knew that what we needed was Beckham to make us stronger.
Never question the trials that are put in your path, because one day you'll understand why.
Thank you to friends, and especially family for the continued love support and prayers!
We love you all!
The Jennings Family.
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